Movember – Supporting Your Partner

1. LOTS of days and moments of encouragement during the recovery process after surgery. Remind him that fatigue, emotional swings, and unpredictable bladder function are expected, not personal failures. Take deep breaths and stay calm – take walks and stay in touch with your own support group during this time.

2. Pressure doesn’t help or encourage or solve. Just be a presence, allow your partner to talk and ask what they need. Use a soft tone and don’t anticipate needs or try to figure things out, just ask.

3. Understand how difficult it is to experience incontinence. Encourage research into pads/underwear and buy what is needed. Carry these things in your purse or bag and respect their choices. Deal with the garbage and laundry without comment, it is part of the process. The situation is hard enough without having to see the garbage or feel that they are a burden. Your “stepping up” and protecting them from this in the beginning is very important. You can gently remind your partner how much things are improving – be positive while still recognizing that it is really hard.

4. Be careful about demands, both socially and emotionally and physically. There is a gentle balance between “not hiding” and over doing it. Make sure there are lots of days or rest, reading and doing things around the house that you enjoy. LOTS of rest, lots of opportunities to have feet up and no contact. Anxiety is a real issue and pushing too hard does not help.

5. Encourage routines and build predictable rhythms that support recovery. Make sure that recovery routines are gentle but consistent and that they SLOWLY build in appropriate intensity with support from a physical therapist. These include walking together, pelvic floor physical therapy and exercise, healthy and whole foods, lots of hydration and plenty of rest.

6. Intimacy cannot be driven by sexual performance. This all takes time and touch is SO important. Talking about where you are at, reading about what is possible and understanding that this is really hard. Embrace touch and talk about all the options. You often hear about rejection by partners in this situation and this is actually cruel. Seek counseling if necessary, but do NOT give up. Intimacy is the goal and it is attainable. There is not a one-way sexual intercourse road to intimacy. Intimacy is very valuable in your relationship and you will find your way, together.

7. Attend all appointments, follow blood work and talk about the anxiety that goes along with these experiences. It is OK to feel anxiety, it is not OK to let it control you. Remind each other that you can handle whatever happens, you are stronger together. Keep a binder and keep documentation and encourage and facilitate regular therapy (like pelvic floor physical therapy, acupuncture, at-home exercises and therapies that may include pumps, etc.) You are an invested ally, not a caregiver.

8. Pay attention to the mental health. Your partner needs encouragement to explore feelings about his masculinity, confidence, body image, progress and the future. Holding their hand and validating feelings while ensuring that they are getting help in order not to seek into depression or withdrawing from the appropriate parts of life is what intimate partners do for each other when they are recovery from major surgery.

9. Focus on rebuilding intimacy. Recognize the spontaneity is more difficult. Take time to experiment with each other. Read and research and talk about all the ways to experience sexual pleasure and keep moving forward. Some days will be great and some will not. This is totally normal (and happens to everyone). Allow for feelings of grief, breathe and don’t let these feelings become the focus. There are many ways to enjoy each others’ bodies and find pleasure. This is a very important part of mental and emotional recovery.

10. Build a beautiful life together. Celebrate life and reach out to others to make sure they know you can support them if they are struggling (with anything). Talk about what is getting better, recognize what you still need to work on. Eat well, exercise regularly and support efforts to improve men’s health care and prevention and treatment. Be honest and open and make a difference by showing that working together, supporting each other and making sure that you listen and talk about everything will continue to allow things to get better, moment-by-moment, day-by-day.
“We’re building a life that fits who you are now—not trying to rewind time.”
This is the deepest form of partner support.