How Can I Help? Showing empathy is hard.

We have been through lots of challenges in our over 30 years together. We have basically seen what I would consider to be a lot of the big stressors in life – death of our parents at a young age (my mom at 57 years old), job loss and abuse at work, serious illness, etc. It is really hard to ask for help and I know that I have been guilty of pulling away when I know someone needs help because it is sad and hard to hear the story and stand by people who are going through a lot. Recently, in the book, “Dealing With Feelings” by Marc Brackett (author of Permission to Feel), I read the three definitions of empathy and it really has resonated with me and will cause me to act differently (not back away) from someone who needs me, but really step up and be there for them.

The first definition is “cognitive empathy” which is simply about getting another person’s perspective – “I can imagine what you’re going through is really rough”.
The second definition (which to me goes a bit deeper) is “emotional empathy” which goes beyond intellectually understanding someone’s experience and involves truly feeling what another person feels – “I’ve been there and I can relate to what you are going through.” or “I want to stand with you in your pain and validate your feelings.”
The third and deepest form of empathy is “compassionate empathy” which combines the 2 above (cognitive and emotional) and adds in the motivation to take meaningful action – the desire to provide support and comfort to alleviate someone’s suffering – “I have a couple hours on Saturday, let’s get coffee and talk about where you are at. I am a good listener.” or “I know you have had a really upsetting and busy week, I have made you dinner or I am here to mow your lawn, weed your garden or I picked up a few groceries for you.”

I feel sometimes like the world is on emotional pause. We are afraid to approach each other too closely. We don’t want to take on anyone else’s pain or sadness and so we avoid them or avoid reaching out. When I am thinking about a friend who is suffering, I have usually already thought of picking up flowers or getting a card or baking or cooking or stopping in to offer to do something practical to support them. Lately, I have felt like holding back, but I realize that is just because the world has become a very inhumane and unkind place. I have decided to always be first. I am not going to wait when I see suffering. I am always going to show compassion. I will always offer validation, not pity. I don’t have to solve someone else’s problem – I am not the “fixer”, I am the friend who stands beside you and will hold you up whenever you need me to. I will always believe in you and help you to believe in yourself. I will listen. I will show compassionate empathy. It is a blessing to have a friend who will cry with you and then help you figure things out.